My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 2 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
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Friday, October 31, 2008
And then the fight started...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Married Couple
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache I do not have a headache I do not have a headache Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his cloth es, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Classified Ads, supposedly real...
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Spice Up your life
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fianc=C 3 got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled; 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it' s right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is
Click here to find out
Friday, October 3, 2008
Maybe going fishing is a bad idea??
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Irish castaway
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah, said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman.' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago
you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago you will have $0.00 today.
But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.
Rolling Stone
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