Learn how to shave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqiDxJISHmY
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Little girl on a plane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
New Ice Cream Flavor
To celebrate the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, "Barocky Road".
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Irish Jokes
Time to celebrate St Patty's Day with a good laugh.
---------
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean , the bartender.' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O'Conner 's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ' Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim . But where's my husband?' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim . 'How did it happen, Tim ?' 'It was terrible, Brenda .. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary , that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary ?' 'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..'
**************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'..
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Affair
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tax Auditor- perfect for the upcoming tax season
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles, Rabbi. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi.. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. Then he continued on, in his obnoxious way:
“What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi, having gotten the auditor exactly where he wanted him. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
She must have been a blond!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Showering
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
< br> Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with=2 0grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits, legs and etc.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
(If he takes a shower)
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
hangin g out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!
Marriage Poetry
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Grandpa and the IRS
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between..'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't mess with old folks!
WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE . . ..
He said .....
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
is it golf season yet??
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, " they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
-------------------------------------------------
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered"
-----------------------------
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
----------- ------- ------------
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes " says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes, I did.." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
------------------------------
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
------------------------------
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
Monday, February 2, 2009
WHO KNEW THIS???........................................... I never.
I have been driving for nearly 50 years... I would think I should have noticed the little secret on my dashboard that was staring me in the face the whole time...I didn't...and I bet you didn't either...
Have you ever rented or borrowed a car and when arriving at the gas station wondered...mmm, which side is the gas filler cap?
My normal solution was to stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look, try to see in the side mirrors or even get out of the car!
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.
If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump?
The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the gas pump?
If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left? If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right. It is that simple!
Don't feel dumb, just go out and share the world's best kept auto secret with your friends. Just think how much smarter you are now!
(my car, in addition to the gas pump handle, actually has an arrow pointing to the left side of the car – this i knew, but not the handle thing)
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up...
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam .
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said....
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband...
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Bucket List addition for the guys
Umm, i cant believe this exists...cant think of anything else to say.
Viking Resort, Dominican Republic
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Leather Dress
Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
Monday, January 12, 2009
THIS SAYS IT ALL ABOUT GOLFING
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your
swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more
club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank
a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway
there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about
the golf swing. ;
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the
one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of
your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 metres away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of
the time. ;
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much
earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever
want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple
bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up
just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his
back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing
= 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which
one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in
the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the
game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having
to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you
are....that's why I get so many calls to play with f riends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you
need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who=2 0never helps out ar ound the house will
replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,
he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain
surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery!
Friday, January 9, 2009
An experiment organized by the Washington Post
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace.
He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, tickets for Joshua Bell's performance at a theater in Boston were sold out and the seats averaged $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing ???...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Mystery of the Dot
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have thought this was connected with their religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United States .
If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated Americans.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Rabbi's Wisdom
A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
His father about use of the family car.
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
Grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and
Then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his
Father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am
Very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
Studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair
Cut."
The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking
About that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long
Hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A husband and wife are shopping
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!'
Monday, December 8, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Good clean joke
A professor at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston,
SC was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his
first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting
subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed
to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Things you can only say on Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen
Monday, November 24, 2008
Good blonde joke
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'
Friday, November 21, 2008
A must check out video
This guy is making art that is so small it fits on the end of a needle!!! Click her for video
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Jokes for your daily laugh, smirk or offense...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
******************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving.'
********************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************
Monday, November 10, 2008
Bar Stool Economics
BAR STOOL ECONOMICS
SUPPOSE THAT EVERY DAY, TEN MEN GO OUT FOR BEER AND THE BILL FOR ALL TEN COMES TO $100.
IF THEY PAID THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES,
IT WOULD GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
THE FIRST FOUR MEN (THE POOREST) WOULD PAY NOTHING.
THE FIFTH WOULD PAY $1.
THE SIXTH WOULD PAY $3.
THE SEVENTH WOULD PAY $7.
THE EIGHTH WOULD PAY $12.
THE NINTH WOULD PAY $18.
THE TENTH MAN (THE RICHEST) WOULD PAY $59.
SO, THAT'S WHAT THEY DECIDED TO DO. THE TEN MEN DRANK IN THE BAR EVERY DAY AND SEEMED QUITE HAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT, UNTIL ONE DAY, THE OWNER THREW THEM A CURVE. 'SINCE YOU ARE ALL SUCH GOOD CUSTOMERS, HE SAID, I'M GOING TO REDUCE THE COST OF YOUR DAILY BEER BY $20. DRINKS FOR THE TEN NOW COST JUST $80.
THE GROUP STILL WANTED TO PAY THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES SO THE FIRST FOUR MEN WERE UNAFFECTED. THEY WOULD STILL DRINK FOR FREE. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER SIX MEN - THE PAYING CUSTOMERS? HOW COULD THEY DIVIDE THE $20 WINDFALL SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD GET HIS 'FAIR SHARE?'
THEY REALIZED THAT $20 DIVIDED BY SIX IS $3.33. BUT IF THEY SUBTRACTED THAT FROM EVERYBODY'S SHARE, THEN THE FIFTH MAN AND THE SIXTH MAN WOULD EACH END UP BEING PAID TO DRINK HIS BEER. SO, THE BAR OWNER SUGGESTED THAT IT WOULD BE FAIR TO REDUCE EACH MAN'S BILL BY ROUGHLY THE SAME AMOUNT, AND HE PROCEEDED TO WORK OUT THE AMOUNTS EACH SHOULD PAY.!
AND SO:
THE FIFTH MAN, LIKE THE FIRST FOUR, NOW PAID NOTHING (100% SAVINGS).
THE SIXTH NOW PAID $2 INSTEAD OF $3 (33%SAVINGS).
THE SEVENTH NOW PAY $5 INSTEAD OF $7 (28%SAVINGS).
THE EIGHTH NOW PAID $9 INSTEAD OF $12 (25% SAVINGS).
THE NINTH NOW PAID $14 INSTEAD OF $18 (22% SAVINGS).
THE TENTH NOW PAID $49 INSTEAD OF $59 (16% SAVINGS).
EACH OF THE SIX WAS BETTER OFF THAN BEFORE. AND THE FIRST FOUR CONTINUED TO DRINK FOR FREE. BUT ONCE OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT, THE MEN BEGAN TO COMPARE THEIR SAVINGS.
'I ONLY GOT A DOLLAR OUT OF THE $20, 'DECLARED THE SIXTH MAN. HE POINTED TO THE TENTH MAN, 'BUT HE GOT $10!'
'YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,' EXCLAIMED THE FIFTH MAN. 'I ONLY SAVED A DOLLAR, TOO.
IT'S UNFAIR THAT HE GOT TEN TIMES MORE THAN I!'
'THAT'S TRUE!!' SHOUTED THE SEVENTH MAN. 'WHY SHOULD HE GET $10 BACK WHEN I GOT ONLY TWO? THE WEALTHY GET ALL THE BREAKS!'
'WAIT A MINUTE,' YELLED THE FIRST FOUR MEN IN UNISON. 'WE DIDN'T GET ANYTHING AT ALL. THE SYSTEM EXPLOITS THE POOR!'
THE NINE MEN SURROUNDED THE TENTH AND BEAT HIM UP.
THE NEXT NIGHT THE TENTH MAN DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR DRINKS, SO THE NINE SAT DOWN AND HAD BEERS WITHOUT HIM. BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY THE BILL, THEY DISCOVERED SOMETHING IMPORTANT. THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY BETWEEN ALL OF THEM FOR EVEN HALF OF THE BILL!
AND THAT, BOYS AND GIRLS, JOURNALISTS AND COLLEGE PROFESSORS, IS HOW OUR TAX SYSTEM WORKS. THE PEOPLE WHO PAY THE HIGHEST TAXES GET THE MOST BENEFIT FROM A TAX REDUCTION. TAX THEM TOO MUCH, ATTACK THEM FOR BEING WEALTHY, AND THEY JUST MAY NOT SHOW UP ANYMORE. IN FACT, THEY MIGHT START DRINKING OVERSEAS WHERE THE ATMOSPHERE IS SOMEWHAT FRIENDLIER.
DAVID R. KAMERSCHEN, PH.D.
PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS, UNIVERSITY OF
GEORGIA
FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATIONIS NEEDED.
FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE
4 Top Adult jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed...
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh..she got fired too.'
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
=================================
Friday, October 31, 2008
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 2 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Married Couple
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache I do not have a headache I do not have a headache Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his cloth es, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Classified Ads, supposedly real...
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Spice Up your life
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fianc=C 3 got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled; 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it' s right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is
Click here to find out
Friday, October 3, 2008
Maybe going fishing is a bad idea??
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Irish castaway
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah, said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman.' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago
you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago you will have $0.00 today.
But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing Cars See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'Inbox'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds.'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because you're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name 'Rock Bottom.'
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
At the golf course:
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then, she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help. One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it...you should have taken golf lessons instead!' He never even had a chance to duck.
Sarah Palin- u gotta be kidding me with this choice??
" I for one was leaning to Mccain before he picked Palin... the commentary below was interesting to me and is certainly making it hard to impossible to vote for a ticket with Palin on it." Jeff
------------
I was fascinated by this report by someone who knows Palin intimately. It's far more revealing than anything I've seen in the media since it's from someone who has knows her for years and lived in the city of which Palin was mayor. I've done the Google and Truthout checks on Kilkenney and she appears to be the real thing. She has some good points, and some not so good.
This is a post in response to the Washington Independent article entitled 'The Reform Candidate?'
http://www.washingtonindependent.com/3671/the-reform-candidate
Dear friends,
So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .
Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in common: their gender and their good looks. You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .
ABOUT SARAH PALIN
I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the residents of the city.
She is enormously popular; in every way she's like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because she is a 'babe'. It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months.
She is 'pro-life'. She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby.
There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.
She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.
She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just 'puts things out there' and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit. Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin's kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything like that of native Alaskans.
Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.
Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents.
During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.
Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a 'fiscal conservative'. During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.
The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren't enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn't even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.
While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once. These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.
As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state. In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's surplus, borrow for needs.
She's not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas or pompromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren't generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren't evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.
While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.
Sarah complained about the 'old boy's club' when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of 'old boys'. Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the State's top cop (see below).
As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla's Police Chief because he 'intimidated' her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.
She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn't like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.
Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.
When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the 'old boys' club' when she dramatically quit, exposing this man's ethics violations (for which he was fined).
As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the 'bridge to nowhere' after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.
As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as 'anti-pork'.
She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.
Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her 'Sarah Barracuda' because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her. As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as 'AGIA' that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.
Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to global warming. She campaigned 'as a private citizen' against a state initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State's lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior's decision to list polar bears as threatened species.
McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President. There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she. However, there's a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.
CLAIM VS FACT
* 'Hockey mom': true for a few years
* 'PTA mom': true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
* 'NRA supporter': absolutely true
* Social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconstitutional).
* Pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.
* 'Pro-life': mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation
* 'Experienced': Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.
* Political maverick: not at all
* Gutsy: absolutely!
* Open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.
* Has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
* 'A Greenie': no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
* Fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
* Pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.
* Pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
* Pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla's history.
* Pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn't make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.
WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.
Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that 'Bad things happen when good people stay silent'. Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.
Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehowe in the future: that's life.
Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's attempt at censorship.
Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.
CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall -- they are swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.
You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my 'about 5,000', up to 9,000. The day Palin's selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90's.
The Threesome
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh...' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was ' my lucky night.'
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake'?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Gates & Seinfeld getting to know the people
Is it me or is this the coolest thing Microsoft has ever done. They spent $10 million to get Jerry to do some commercial shots with Bill. They are both hilarious... so good, its hard to imagine it being a commercial.. But of course in typical Microsoft fashion, their PR firm pulled the TV commercial version before they played out the whole series. See the article discussing that. I will post the other commercials for you as well in a separate post.
Link to Yahoo article discussing this
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Burning Man!
To all of you not familiar with Burning Man, check this out. I think it must be on my list of things to do once in my life. Anyone game??
"BUBBA'S TAKE ON OBAMA"
"Hmm, all interesting points by Bubba...anyone else conflicted on who to vote for at this point?" Jeff
MAYBE I'VE GOTT'N THIS ALL WRONG - ME JUST
BE'N AN OLD FARM BOY WITHOUT MUCH EDUCATION...
BUT NOW, Y'ALL CHECK THIS OUT:
HIS FATHER WAS A KENYAN, A MUSLIM, AND A BLACK...
WE SEEN ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS NICE AFRICAN FAMILY.
HIS MOTHER IS KANSAN, ATHEIST AND WHITE. SO WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS NICE WHITE MOTHER AND HIS NICE WHITE GRANDPARENTS - THE ONES WHO RAISED HIM ALL THOSE EARLY YEARS? HIS FATHER DESERTED HIS MOTHER AND HIM WHEN HE WAS VERY YOUNG AND MOVED BACK TO LIVE WITH HIS FAMILY IN KENYA (THAT'S THE ONES IN THE PICTURES). HIS WHITE MOTHER THEN MARRIED AN INDONESIAN MUSLIM AND TOOK HIM TO THE CITY OF JAKARTA WHERE HE WAS FIRST SCHOOLEDIN A MUSLIM SCHOOL...HIS MOTHER THEN MOVED TO HAWAII AND HE WAS RAISED BY HIS WHITE MIDDLE-AMERICAN GRANDPARENTS THERE.
UMMM...
NOW HERE'S THE HARD PART FOR ME
(HELP ME OUT HERE, IF YOU CAN):
SOMEHOW, SUDDENLY - HE WENT TO THE BEST HIGH DOLLAR PREP SCHOOLS IN AMERICA,
AND LATER, HE GOT INTO A TOP IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE AND LATER, INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL HOW? WHO SPONSORED HIM? WHO PAID FOR ALL THAT SCHOOLING?
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT TUITION EXPENSES TO ATTEND UNDERGRADUATE YALE LATELY?
HOW ABOUT HARVARD LAW SCHOOL?
(SOMEBODY PAID A LOT OF BUCKS FOR THIS KID'S
IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.......WHO?)
A SENATOR'S SALARY IS NOT THAT GREAT, BUT THIS YOUNG MAN AND HIS YOUNG WIFE PRESENTLY LIVE IN A $1.4 MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE THAT HE ACQUIRED THROUGH A "DEAL" WITH A WEALTHY FUNDRAISER.
WHAT SORT OF "DEAL"?
RIGHT OUT OF HARVARD LAW, HE "WORKED" AS A CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST IN CHICAGO.
HE THEN ENTERED POLITICS AT THE STATE LEVEL AND THEN MOVED TO THE NATIONAL LEVEL - WHERE HE SCRAMBLES TODAY WITH VERY MINIMAL EXPERIENCE IN ANYTHING - WHILE OTHER
PEOPLE WRITE HIS SPEECHES FOR HIM.IN ALL HIS TIME IN THE STATE AND NATIONAL
LEGISLATURES, HE'S NEVER LAUNCHED ANY IMPORTANT LEGISLATION WHATSOEVER - MOSTLY, HE'S BEEN OUT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
HE CLAIMS TO BE "PROUD OF HIS AFRICAN HERITAGE", BUT IT SEEMS THAT HIS ONLY CONNECTION WITH AFRICA WAS THAT HIS AFRICAN FATHER GOT A WHITE GIRL
PREGNANT AND THEN DESERTED HER.
UMMM....
WHERE IS THE PRIDE IN HIS WHITE HERITAGE?
AFTER ALL, IT WAS WHITE GRANDPARENTS THAT RAISED HIM!
HE IS PRESENTLY A MEMBER (FOR OVER 20 YEARS!)
OF AN "AFROCENTRIC" CHURCH IN CHICAGO THAT HATES WHITES, HATES JEWS AND BLAMES AMERICA FOR ALL THE WORLD'S FAULTS. HE REPEATEDLY COVERED UP FOR THAT PASTOR
AND THAT CHURCH - SAYING THAT HE CAN SEPARATE THE RELIGION FROM THE POLITICS WHEN HE HEARS A HATE-WHITEY SERMON.
HE CLAIMS THAT HE WAS SIMPLY UNABLE TO CONFRONT HIS PASTOR OF 20+ YEARS ABOUT THE PASTOR'S DEMONSTRATED UN-AMERICAN BIAS,
BUT...
HE WANTS US TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN CONFRONT NORTH KOREA AND IRAN WHEN THE TIME ARISES
TO TAKE AMERICA'S SIDE. YEAH - WITH THIS BACKGROUND AND EXPERIENCE, HE
"HOPES" THAT HE CAN BE A UNITER AND BRING US ALL TOGETHER.
BUT...
WE THINK THAT THE REAL "HOPE" IS.....
THAT HE REALLY HOPES....
THAT NO ONE WILL PUT ALL THESE PIECES
TOGETHER....
UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.......
A Hundred and Forty-three Days
"Since it is hard core political time, i figured i would throw another political zinger out there. I have to admit, i am currently siding with voting for Obama, but thought this was too good to not post." Jeff
You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after
143 days of experience.
You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience
of being a surgeon.
You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after
143 days of experience.
You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days
of experience.
You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news
anchor after 143 days of experience.
BUT....
From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to
the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory
committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how
many days the Senate was actually in session and working. After 143
days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander
In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public is okay with
this and campaigning for him. We wouldn't accept this in our own line
of work, yet some are okay with this for the President of the United
States of America? Come on folks, we are not voting for the next
American Idol !
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