The Mystery of the Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have thought this was connected with their religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United States .

If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated Americans.

Rabbi's Wisdom

A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
His father about use of the family car.

His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
Grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and
Then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his
Father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am
Very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
Studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair
Cut."

The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking
About that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long
Hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

A husband and wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!'

Amazing yo-yo contest

The world on a string

Trojan Games

Pelvic Power Lifting


Precision Vaulting


Judo

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Good clean joke

A professor at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston,
SC was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his
first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting
subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed
to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Things you can only say on Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

Be careful with your holiday gift this year, you dont want to be put in the DOGHOUSE!!!

Click her to see what happens in the doghouse!!

Good blonde joke

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

A must check out video

This guy is making art that is so small it fits on the end of a needle!!! Click her for video

Jokes for your daily laugh, smirk or offense...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



*****************************************


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





********************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving.'



********************************************************


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


*******************************************

Bar Stool Economics

BAR STOOL ECONOMICS

SUPPOSE THAT EVERY DAY, TEN MEN GO OUT FOR BEER AND THE BILL FOR ALL TEN COMES TO $100.

IF THEY PAID THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES,
IT WOULD GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

THE FIRST FOUR MEN (THE POOREST) WOULD PAY NOTHING.
THE FIFTH WOULD PAY $1.
THE SIXTH WOULD PAY $3.
THE SEVENTH WOULD PAY $7.
THE EIGHTH WOULD PAY $12.
THE NINTH WOULD PAY $18.
THE TENTH MAN (THE RICHEST) WOULD PAY $59.

SO, THAT'S WHAT THEY DECIDED TO DO. THE TEN MEN DRANK IN THE BAR EVERY DAY AND SEEMED QUITE HAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT, UNTIL ONE DAY, THE OWNER THREW THEM A CURVE. 'SINCE YOU ARE ALL SUCH GOOD CUSTOMERS, HE SAID, I'M GOING TO REDUCE THE COST OF YOUR DAILY BEER BY $20. DRINKS FOR THE TEN NOW COST JUST $80.

THE GROUP STILL WANTED TO PAY THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES SO THE FIRST FOUR MEN WERE UNAFFECTED. THEY WOULD STILL DRINK FOR FREE. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER SIX MEN - THE PAYING CUSTOMERS? HOW COULD THEY DIVIDE THE $20 WINDFALL SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD GET HIS 'FAIR SHARE?'

THEY REALIZED THAT $20 DIVIDED BY SIX IS $3.33. BUT IF THEY SUBTRACTED THAT FROM EVERYBODY'S SHARE, THEN THE FIFTH MAN AND THE SIXTH MAN WOULD EACH END UP BEING PAID TO DRINK HIS BEER. SO, THE BAR OWNER SUGGESTED THAT IT WOULD BE FAIR TO REDUCE EACH MAN'S BILL BY ROUGHLY THE SAME AMOUNT, AND HE PROCEEDED TO WORK OUT THE AMOUNTS EACH SHOULD PAY.!

AND SO:

THE FIFTH MAN, LIKE THE FIRST FOUR, NOW PAID NOTHING (100% SAVINGS).
THE SIXTH NOW PAID $2 INSTEAD OF $3 (33%SAVINGS).
THE SEVENTH NOW PAY $5 INSTEAD OF $7 (28%SAVINGS).
THE EIGHTH NOW PAID $9 INSTEAD OF $12 (25% SAVINGS).
THE NINTH NOW PAID $14 INSTEAD OF $18 (22% SAVINGS).
THE TENTH NOW PAID $49 INSTEAD OF $59 (16% SAVINGS).

EACH OF THE SIX WAS BETTER OFF THAN BEFORE. AND THE FIRST FOUR CONTINUED TO DRINK FOR FREE. BUT ONCE OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT, THE MEN BEGAN TO COMPARE THEIR SAVINGS.

'I ONLY GOT A DOLLAR OUT OF THE $20, 'DECLARED THE SIXTH MAN. HE POINTED TO THE TENTH MAN, 'BUT HE GOT $10!'

'YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,' EXCLAIMED THE FIFTH MAN. 'I ONLY SAVED A DOLLAR, TOO.

IT'S UNFAIR THAT HE GOT TEN TIMES MORE THAN I!'

'THAT'S TRUE!!' SHOUTED THE SEVENTH MAN. 'WHY SHOULD HE GET $10 BACK WHEN I GOT ONLY TWO? THE WEALTHY GET ALL THE BREAKS!'

'WAIT A MINUTE,' YELLED THE FIRST FOUR MEN IN UNISON. 'WE DIDN'T GET ANYTHING AT ALL. THE SYSTEM EXPLOITS THE POOR!'

THE NINE MEN SURROUNDED THE TENTH AND BEAT HIM UP.

THE NEXT NIGHT THE TENTH MAN DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR DRINKS, SO THE NINE SAT DOWN AND HAD BEERS WITHOUT HIM. BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY THE BILL, THEY DISCOVERED SOMETHING IMPORTANT. THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY BETWEEN ALL OF THEM FOR EVEN HALF OF THE BILL!

AND THAT, BOYS AND GIRLS, JOURNALISTS AND COLLEGE PROFESSORS, IS HOW OUR TAX SYSTEM WORKS. THE PEOPLE WHO PAY THE HIGHEST TAXES GET THE MOST BENEFIT FROM A TAX REDUCTION. TAX THEM TOO MUCH, ATTACK THEM FOR BEING WEALTHY, AND THEY JUST MAY NOT SHOW UP ANYMORE. IN FACT, THEY MIGHT START DRINKING OVERSEAS WHERE THE ATMOSPHERE IS SOMEWHAT FRIENDLIER.

DAVID R. KAMERSCHEN, PH.D.
PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS, UNIVERSITY OF
GEORGIA

FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATIONIS NEEDED.

FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE

4 Top Adult jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed...

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh..she got fired too.'

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
=================================

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 2 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
=====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
=====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
============================================================

Democrat on Halloween

Wife Song

Next season on Dancing with the stars!!!

No more over the air signal!!

A little girl & her goldfish

the 2009 Job Outlook is not so good...

Married Couple

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache I do not have a headache I do not have a headache Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his cloth es, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

Sarah Palin's Facebook Page

Classified Ads, supposedly real...

These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Spice Up your life

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fianc=C 3 got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!


The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask.


When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled; 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'


She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.


The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.


He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it' s right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is
Click here to find out

Redneck Fire Alarm

Maybe going fishing is a bad idea??

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing

September Madness

I know it is early for March Madness, so this should hold us over.

Irish castaway

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah, said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman.' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago
you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago you will have $0.00 today.

But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.

The Great Schlep- I guess we need to help our grandparents vote for Obama... hard to argue with Sarah

See more Sarah Silverman videos at Funny or Die

The Great Schlep

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing Cars See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'Inbox'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds.'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because you're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name 'Rock Bottom.'
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

At the golf course:

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then, she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help. One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it...you should have taken golf lessons instead!' He never even had a chance to duck.

Sarah Palin- u gotta be kidding me with this choice??

" I for one was leaning to Mccain before he picked Palin... the commentary below was interesting to me and is certainly making it hard to impossible to vote for a ticket with Palin on it." Jeff
------------

I was fascinated by this report by someone who knows Palin intimately. It's far more revealing than anything I've seen in the media since it's from someone who has knows her for years and lived in the city of which Palin was mayor. I've done the Google and Truthout checks on Kilkenney and she appears to be the real thing. She has some good points, and some not so good.

This is a post in response to the Washington Independent article entitled 'The Reform Candidate?'
http://www.washingtonindependent.com/3671/the-reform-candidate

Dear friends,
So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .
Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in common: their gender and their good looks. You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .
ABOUT SARAH PALIN
I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she's like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because she is a 'babe'. It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months.

She is 'pro-life'. She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby.
There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.
She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just 'puts things out there' and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit. Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin's kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything like that of native Alaskans.

Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents.

During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a 'fiscal conservative'. During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren't enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn't even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once. These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.
As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state. In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's surplus, borrow for needs.

She's not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas or pompromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren't generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren't evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the 'old boy's club' when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of 'old boys'. Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the State's top cop (see below).

As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla's Police Chief because he 'intimidated' her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn't like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.

When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the 'old boys' club' when she dramatically quit, exposing this man's ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the 'bridge to nowhere' after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as 'anti-pork'.

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her 'Sarah Barracuda' because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her. As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as 'AGIA' that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to global warming. She campaigned 'as a private citizen' against a state initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State's lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior's decision to list polar bears as threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President. There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she. However, there's a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.

CLAIM VS FACT
* 'Hockey mom': true for a few years
* 'PTA mom': true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
* 'NRA supporter': absolutely true
* Social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconstitutional).
* Pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.
* 'Pro-life': mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation
* 'Experienced': Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.
* Political maverick: not at all
* Gutsy: absolutely!
* Open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.
* Has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
* 'A Greenie': no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
* Fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
* Pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.
* Pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
* Pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla's history.
* Pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn't make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that 'Bad things happen when good people stay silent'. Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehowe in the future: that's life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall -- they are swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my 'about 5,000', up to 9,000. The day Palin's selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90's.

The Threesome

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

'Oh...' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'

And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was ' my lucky night.'

I went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, you still awake'?

Gates & Seinfeld getting to know the people

Is it me or is this the coolest thing Microsoft has ever done. They spent $10 million to get Jerry to do some commercial shots with Bill. They are both hilarious... so good, its hard to imagine it being a commercial.. But of course in typical Microsoft fashion, their PR firm pulled the TV commercial version before they played out the whole series. See the article discussing that. I will post the other commercials for you as well in a separate post.

Link to Yahoo article discussing this

Burning Man!

To all of you not familiar with Burning Man, check this out. I think it must be on my list of things to do once in my life. Anyone game??

"BUBBA'S TAKE ON OBAMA"

"Hmm, all interesting points by Bubba...anyone else conflicted on who to vote for at this point?" Jeff

MAYBE I'VE GOTT'N THIS ALL WRONG - ME JUST
BE'N AN OLD FARM BOY WITHOUT MUCH EDUCATION...
BUT NOW, Y'ALL CHECK THIS OUT:

HIS FATHER WAS A KENYAN, A MUSLIM, AND A BLACK...
WE SEEN ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS NICE AFRICAN FAMILY.

HIS MOTHER IS KANSAN, ATHEIST AND WHITE. SO WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS NICE WHITE MOTHER AND HIS NICE WHITE GRANDPARENTS - THE ONES WHO RAISED HIM ALL THOSE EARLY YEARS? HIS FATHER DESERTED HIS MOTHER AND HIM WHEN HE WAS VERY YOUNG AND MOVED BACK TO LIVE WITH HIS FAMILY IN KENYA (THAT'S THE ONES IN THE PICTURES). HIS WHITE MOTHER THEN MARRIED AN INDONESIAN MUSLIM AND TOOK HIM TO THE CITY OF JAKARTA WHERE HE WAS FIRST SCHOOLEDIN A MUSLIM SCHOOL...HIS MOTHER THEN MOVED TO HAWAII AND HE WAS RAISED BY HIS WHITE MIDDLE-AMERICAN GRANDPARENTS THERE.
UMMM...
NOW HERE'S THE HARD PART FOR ME

(HELP ME OUT HERE, IF YOU CAN):

SOMEHOW, SUDDENLY - HE WENT TO THE BEST HIGH DOLLAR PREP SCHOOLS IN AMERICA,
AND LATER, HE GOT INTO A TOP IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE AND LATER, INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL HOW? WHO SPONSORED HIM? WHO PAID FOR ALL THAT SCHOOLING?

HAVE YOU LOOKED AT TUITION EXPENSES TO ATTEND UNDERGRADUATE YALE LATELY?
HOW ABOUT HARVARD LAW SCHOOL?
(SOMEBODY PAID A LOT OF BUCKS FOR THIS KID'S
IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.......WHO?)

A SENATOR'S SALARY IS NOT THAT GREAT, BUT THIS YOUNG MAN AND HIS YOUNG WIFE PRESENTLY LIVE IN A $1.4 MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE THAT HE ACQUIRED THROUGH A "DEAL" WITH A WEALTHY FUNDRAISER.

WHAT SORT OF "DEAL"?

RIGHT OUT OF HARVARD LAW, HE "WORKED" AS A CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST IN CHICAGO.
HE THEN ENTERED POLITICS AT THE STATE LEVEL AND THEN MOVED TO THE NATIONAL LEVEL - WHERE HE SCRAMBLES TODAY WITH VERY MINIMAL EXPERIENCE IN ANYTHING - WHILE OTHER
PEOPLE WRITE HIS SPEECHES FOR HIM.IN ALL HIS TIME IN THE STATE AND NATIONAL
LEGISLATURES, HE'S NEVER LAUNCHED ANY IMPORTANT LEGISLATION WHATSOEVER - MOSTLY, HE'S BEEN OUT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
HE CLAIMS TO BE "PROUD OF HIS AFRICAN HERITAGE", BUT IT SEEMS THAT HIS ONLY CONNECTION WITH AFRICA WAS THAT HIS AFRICAN FATHER GOT A WHITE GIRL
PREGNANT AND THEN DESERTED HER.
UMMM....
WHERE IS THE PRIDE IN HIS WHITE HERITAGE?
AFTER ALL, IT WAS WHITE GRANDPARENTS THAT RAISED HIM!
HE IS PRESENTLY A MEMBER (FOR OVER 20 YEARS!)
OF AN "AFROCENTRIC" CHURCH IN CHICAGO THAT HATES WHITES, HATES JEWS AND BLAMES AMERICA FOR ALL THE WORLD'S FAULTS. HE REPEATEDLY COVERED UP FOR THAT PASTOR
AND THAT CHURCH - SAYING THAT HE CAN SEPARATE THE RELIGION FROM THE POLITICS WHEN HE HEARS A HATE-WHITEY SERMON.
HE CLAIMS THAT HE WAS SIMPLY UNABLE TO CONFRONT HIS PASTOR OF 20+ YEARS ABOUT THE PASTOR'S DEMONSTRATED UN-AMERICAN BIAS,
BUT...
HE WANTS US TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN CONFRONT NORTH KOREA AND IRAN WHEN THE TIME ARISES
TO TAKE AMERICA'S SIDE. YEAH - WITH THIS BACKGROUND AND EXPERIENCE, HE
"HOPES" THAT HE CAN BE A UNITER AND BRING US ALL TOGETHER.
BUT...
WE THINK THAT THE REAL "HOPE" IS.....
THAT HE REALLY HOPES....
THAT NO ONE WILL PUT ALL THESE PIECES
TOGETHER....
UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.......

A Hundred and Forty-three Days

"Since it is hard core political time, i figured i would throw another political zinger out there. I have to admit, i am currently siding with voting for Obama, but thought this was too good to not post." Jeff

You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after
143 days of experience.

You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience
of being a surgeon.

You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after
143 days of experience.

You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days
of experience.

You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news
anchor after 143 days of experience.

BUT....

From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to
the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory
committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how
many days the Senate was actually in session and working. After 143
days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander
In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days.

AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public is okay with
this and campaigning for him. We wouldn't accept this in our own line
of work, yet some are okay with this for the President of the United
States of America? Come on folks, we are not voting for the next
American Idol !

Bacon Tree?

Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.

Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

Military death by year and ethnicity - interesting facts

"I hate go political here, but thought this posed some very interesting facts about the war and the misconceptions we all have. I know this surprised me!!"

Military Losses, 1980 thru 2007 Whatever your politics, however you lean, however you feel about the current administration, this report should open some eyes.

Military losses,1980 through 2007. As tragic as the loss of any member of the US Armed Forces is, consider the following statistics:

The annual fatalities of military members while actively serving in the armed forces from 1980 through 2006:

1980 ...........2,392 (Carter Year)
1981 .......... 2,380 (Reagan Year)
1984 .......... 1,999 (Reagan Year)
1988 .......... 1,819 (Reagan Year)
1989 .......... 1,636 (George H W Year)
1990 .......... 1,508 (George H W Year)
1991 .......... 1,787 (George H W Year)
1992 .......... 1,293 (George H W Year)
1993 .......... 1,213 (Clinton Year)
1994 .......... 1,075 (Clinton Year)
1995 .......... 2,465 (Clinton Year)
1996 .......... 2,318 (Clinton Year)
1997 ............ 817 (Clinton Year)
1998 .......... 2,252 (Clinton Year)
1999 .......... 1,984 (Clinton Year)
2000 ...........1,983 (Clinton Year)
2001 ............. 890 (George W Year)
2002 ......... 1,007 (George W Year)
2003 ......... 1,410 (George W Year)
2004 ..........1,887 (George W Year)
2005 ............ 919 (George W Year)
2006.............. 920 (George W Year)
2007...............899 (George W Year)

Clinton years (1993-2000): 14,000 deaths
George W years (2001-2006): 7,932 deaths
If you are surprised when you look at these figures, so was I. These figures mean that the loss from the two latest conflicts in the Middle East are LESS than the loss of military personnel during Bill Clinton's presidency; when America wasn't even involved in a war!

And, I was even more shocked when I read that in 1980, during the reign of President (Nobel Peace Prize winner) Jimmy Carter, there were 2,392 US military fatalities!
I think that these figures indicate that many members of our Media and our politicians will pick and choose the information on which they report. Of course we all know that they present only those 'facts which support their agenda-driven reporting. But why do so many of them march in lock-step to twist the truth? Where do so many of them get their marching-orders for their agenda?

Do you want further proof? Consider the latest census, of Americans. It shows the following FACTS about the distribution of American citizens, by Race:

European descent 69.12%
Hispanic .............. 12.5%
Black .................. 12.3%
Asian .................... 3.7%
Native American ... 1.0%
Other.................... 2.6%

Now... here are the fatalities by Race; over the past three years in Iraqi Freedom:

European descent (white) 74.31%
Hispanic ............ 10.74%
Black .................. 9.67%
Asian ................... 1.81%
Native American ... 1.09%
Other ................... 0.33%

I was surprised again... until it became clear to me that the point here is that our mainstream media continues to spin these figures (for political gain). Nothing more!!!
It's all about politics and some politicians, are now famous for turning American against American for a vote. Consider Hillary Clinton's stump speech after her Super Tuesday 'victory' stating that the current administration does not listen' to anyone and continues the war costing precious American lives. Yes I might even agree with her, but she should be made to acknowledge her own husband's administration, without having an actual war, sent more soldiers to death during his presidency, and is on record of forcing the military to release Osama when we actually had him detained at the time.
I am not suggesting that any particular political party is necessarily right, there is a lot wrong. But, I hope that during the time between now and November, that intelligent Americans can decipher the facts from the spin and the spinners from the leaders; those who seek even more power from those that seek justice, the dividers from the uniters.
Over the next months let's be good listeners and see and hear who really tries to divide our nation; and who wants to unite our nation. Who wants to control how our money is spent and who wants our money spent the way we would spend it. Who seeks power and who seeks justice? Who spins the facts and who is genuine. (Very few are on both sides)
The above statistics are published by Congressional Research Service, and they may be confirmed by anyone at:
http://www.fas.org/sgp/crs/natsec/RL32492.pdf

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
________________________________________

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
________________________________________

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
________________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
________________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
_______________________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
________________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
________________________________________

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
________________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
________________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
_______________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
________________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
________________________________________

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
________________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
________________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
________________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
________________________________________

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
________________________________________

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
________________________________________

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Two Operations

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'WHOA!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

The invention of Air Condition and Ford... a feel good story for your monday

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car that it was i nstalled in .

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.

Now you know

Baby Boomers

This is hilarious!!! You have to click on this with your sound on. To all aging boomers and children of boomers, this will provide you your laugh of the day!!!

Baby Boomers click here!!

Apple’s iPod Touch Can Act as Remote For Music System

Apple’s iPod Touch Can Act as Remote For Music System

Posted using ShareThis

A 5 year olds first Job !!!! this is hysterical !!!!

Here's a truly heartwarming story I heard recently, that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. It's about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a ki nd of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

And here is her answer, which brought a tear to my eye:

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall ...'

Amish in Mall for first time

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Carmen

A woman scanned the guests at a party and
spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached
him. My name is Carmen," she told him.

That's a beautiful name," he replied,
Is it a family name?"

No," she replied.

I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most -- cars and men."

What's your name?", she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'"

Medical Distinction between Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death!

And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station...... and then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started......
***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
I have been behind this person, of course, never been an offender myself.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Re verse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Lost Churches In New Orleans

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected theirs lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we haven't gone to
churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up ye t?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

Hi s mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.

Visit to the vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, 'So, why are you here?'
The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything . . . the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.
The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!'

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like,
and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims.
"How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced
'quiche.'"

Crazy Ethel- good clean old person home humour

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. As Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got No clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

Why I like British newspapers! You cant make stuff up this good!

Why Gen Y??

Silent Generation - People born before 1945.
Baby Boomers - People born between 1945 and1961.
Generation X - People born between 1962 and 1976.
Generation Y - People born between 1977 and 1999.

Why do we call the last group of people "Generation Y"?

I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation.

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were Faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife came home with no panties!!'

That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Some Consequences if Oil Prices Stay High

I know everyone is freaking out about the cost of gas, and thought this article was very interesting on many levels. It certainly gives you the insight to look at market segments and companies that could be positively or negatively impacted by oil prices. Sorry to leave my joke streak behind, but I thought this was too interesting to pass on posting!

Link to Zack's Research Article

Good golf joke

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans
to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found
a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through."

Horses What???

The 84 Year Old Bride

Favorite Far Side Cartoon of all time

The biker and the lord

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'The biker thought about! it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

The camel

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel. The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, Is that how the men do it?'.. 'No, not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

Perfect justification for alcohol consumption!

 "Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
 "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
 "And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

Cultural Differences

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific,the following people are stranded, each group of three of the same nationality on a different island:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are li ving happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in t he picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having an y fun. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

The Old Man and the Ferrari

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got here, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GT. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car all right, but I'll stick with my moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOSSSHHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

No ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man an says, 'I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'....

Best use of duct tape ever!!

I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my life. Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.

Old Photo of Barack and Hillary

My kind of restaurant!!!

Quick, get me a beer!

Important Golf Stats concerning the environment

A recent study found the average American golfer
walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink,
on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year

That means, on average,
American golfers get about 41 miles per gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.