Medical Distinction between Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death!

And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station...... and then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started......
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I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
I have been behind this person, of course, never been an offender myself.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Re verse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Lost Churches In New Orleans

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected theirs lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we haven't gone to
churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up ye t?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

Hi s mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.

Visit to the vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, 'So, why are you here?'
The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything . . . the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.
The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!'

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like,
and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims.
"How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced
'quiche.'"

Crazy Ethel- good clean old person home humour

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. As Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got No clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

Why I like British newspapers! You cant make stuff up this good!

Why Gen Y??

Silent Generation - People born before 1945.
Baby Boomers - People born between 1945 and1961.
Generation X - People born between 1962 and 1976.
Generation Y - People born between 1977 and 1999.

Why do we call the last group of people "Generation Y"?

I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation.

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were Faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife came home with no panties!!'

That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Some Consequences if Oil Prices Stay High

I know everyone is freaking out about the cost of gas, and thought this article was very interesting on many levels. It certainly gives you the insight to look at market segments and companies that could be positively or negatively impacted by oil prices. Sorry to leave my joke streak behind, but I thought this was too interesting to pass on posting!

Link to Zack's Research Article

Good golf joke

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans
to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found
a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through."