Things you can only say on Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

Be careful with your holiday gift this year, you dont want to be put in the DOGHOUSE!!!

Click her to see what happens in the doghouse!!

Good blonde joke

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

A must check out video

This guy is making art that is so small it fits on the end of a needle!!! Click her for video

Jokes for your daily laugh, smirk or offense...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



*****************************************


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





********************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving.'



********************************************************


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


*******************************************

Bar Stool Economics

BAR STOOL ECONOMICS

SUPPOSE THAT EVERY DAY, TEN MEN GO OUT FOR BEER AND THE BILL FOR ALL TEN COMES TO $100.

IF THEY PAID THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES,
IT WOULD GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

THE FIRST FOUR MEN (THE POOREST) WOULD PAY NOTHING.
THE FIFTH WOULD PAY $1.
THE SIXTH WOULD PAY $3.
THE SEVENTH WOULD PAY $7.
THE EIGHTH WOULD PAY $12.
THE NINTH WOULD PAY $18.
THE TENTH MAN (THE RICHEST) WOULD PAY $59.

SO, THAT'S WHAT THEY DECIDED TO DO. THE TEN MEN DRANK IN THE BAR EVERY DAY AND SEEMED QUITE HAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT, UNTIL ONE DAY, THE OWNER THREW THEM A CURVE. 'SINCE YOU ARE ALL SUCH GOOD CUSTOMERS, HE SAID, I'M GOING TO REDUCE THE COST OF YOUR DAILY BEER BY $20. DRINKS FOR THE TEN NOW COST JUST $80.

THE GROUP STILL WANTED TO PAY THEIR BILL THE WAY WE PAY OUR TAXES SO THE FIRST FOUR MEN WERE UNAFFECTED. THEY WOULD STILL DRINK FOR FREE. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER SIX MEN - THE PAYING CUSTOMERS? HOW COULD THEY DIVIDE THE $20 WINDFALL SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD GET HIS 'FAIR SHARE?'

THEY REALIZED THAT $20 DIVIDED BY SIX IS $3.33. BUT IF THEY SUBTRACTED THAT FROM EVERYBODY'S SHARE, THEN THE FIFTH MAN AND THE SIXTH MAN WOULD EACH END UP BEING PAID TO DRINK HIS BEER. SO, THE BAR OWNER SUGGESTED THAT IT WOULD BE FAIR TO REDUCE EACH MAN'S BILL BY ROUGHLY THE SAME AMOUNT, AND HE PROCEEDED TO WORK OUT THE AMOUNTS EACH SHOULD PAY.!

AND SO:

THE FIFTH MAN, LIKE THE FIRST FOUR, NOW PAID NOTHING (100% SAVINGS).
THE SIXTH NOW PAID $2 INSTEAD OF $3 (33%SAVINGS).
THE SEVENTH NOW PAY $5 INSTEAD OF $7 (28%SAVINGS).
THE EIGHTH NOW PAID $9 INSTEAD OF $12 (25% SAVINGS).
THE NINTH NOW PAID $14 INSTEAD OF $18 (22% SAVINGS).
THE TENTH NOW PAID $49 INSTEAD OF $59 (16% SAVINGS).

EACH OF THE SIX WAS BETTER OFF THAN BEFORE. AND THE FIRST FOUR CONTINUED TO DRINK FOR FREE. BUT ONCE OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT, THE MEN BEGAN TO COMPARE THEIR SAVINGS.

'I ONLY GOT A DOLLAR OUT OF THE $20, 'DECLARED THE SIXTH MAN. HE POINTED TO THE TENTH MAN, 'BUT HE GOT $10!'

'YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,' EXCLAIMED THE FIFTH MAN. 'I ONLY SAVED A DOLLAR, TOO.

IT'S UNFAIR THAT HE GOT TEN TIMES MORE THAN I!'

'THAT'S TRUE!!' SHOUTED THE SEVENTH MAN. 'WHY SHOULD HE GET $10 BACK WHEN I GOT ONLY TWO? THE WEALTHY GET ALL THE BREAKS!'

'WAIT A MINUTE,' YELLED THE FIRST FOUR MEN IN UNISON. 'WE DIDN'T GET ANYTHING AT ALL. THE SYSTEM EXPLOITS THE POOR!'

THE NINE MEN SURROUNDED THE TENTH AND BEAT HIM UP.

THE NEXT NIGHT THE TENTH MAN DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR DRINKS, SO THE NINE SAT DOWN AND HAD BEERS WITHOUT HIM. BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY THE BILL, THEY DISCOVERED SOMETHING IMPORTANT. THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY BETWEEN ALL OF THEM FOR EVEN HALF OF THE BILL!

AND THAT, BOYS AND GIRLS, JOURNALISTS AND COLLEGE PROFESSORS, IS HOW OUR TAX SYSTEM WORKS. THE PEOPLE WHO PAY THE HIGHEST TAXES GET THE MOST BENEFIT FROM A TAX REDUCTION. TAX THEM TOO MUCH, ATTACK THEM FOR BEING WEALTHY, AND THEY JUST MAY NOT SHOW UP ANYMORE. IN FACT, THEY MIGHT START DRINKING OVERSEAS WHERE THE ATMOSPHERE IS SOMEWHAT FRIENDLIER.

DAVID R. KAMERSCHEN, PH.D.
PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS, UNIVERSITY OF
GEORGIA

FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATIONIS NEEDED.

FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE

4 Top Adult jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed...

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh..she got fired too.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
=================================