A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Cultural Differences
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific,the following people are stranded, each group of three of the same nationality on a different island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are li ving happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in t he picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having an y fun. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Old Man and the Ferrari
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got here, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GT. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car all right, but I'll stick with my moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOSSSHHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
No ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man an says, 'I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'....
Best use of duct tape ever!!
I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my life. Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Important Golf Stats concerning the environment
A recent study found the average American golfer
walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink,
on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means, on average,
American golfers get about 41 miles per gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
Obama and Foreign Policy
I hate to go political on this blog (with funny being the main goal), but to all of you that are stuck on the fence about this upcoming election and questioning Obama's foreign policy capabilities... or at least theories, i strongly suggest the following reading. I really like his philosophies and this helped ease my concern over his foreign policy... still not sure who to vote for, but dying to find a valid excuse to not vote Republican!!
This Essay is from Foreign Affairs Magazine. Read it online at:
Link to Article
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thought for the day
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist"
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