"Next Life" by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

Man's best friend

A dog is truly man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, Just try this experiment....

Put your dog and your wife In the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, Who is really happy to see you ?

10 year old blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

$164 million lottery winner

Mensa List 2008

This year's list......

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real
word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Great American Comebacks (French Style)!!

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a conference in France where a number of international Engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?

He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.

What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on boa rd that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German'

You could have heard a pin drop

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AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Grandpa loves the new videophone

Click here to find out why!!

Behind the scenes at Iron Mountain

This is an amazing behind the scenes look at where our countries national security and vital documents and memorabilia are stored. A very interesting story worth watching.

Dying Professor's Last Lecture

To all of you that have not viewed this yet. This is an incredible story about a Carnegie Mellon professor that has months left to live due to a severe case of pancreatic cancer and gave this last lecture before he went home to be with his family. This has swept the web, with over 6 million views and he is about to release a book about his story. This book was bid on by publishers and eventually the rights were purchased for $6.7 million and the expectation is that this book will be as big as Tuesdays with Morrie (which sold millions of copies). This is a short released by WSJ online that gives the quick story, but I recommend you go and watch the complete lecture as it is an uplifting lecture about living life to your fullest and the importance of having fun, etc.

WSJ Summary:


Complete Lecture:

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U gotta protect the family jewels somehow!

Jewish Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.'We can't stand the sight
of each other any longer,' the old man says.'We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell
her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls
her father immediately and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting
divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.'